It was this sentence, repeated over and over again to me for years that led me to other thoughts.
Were they actually right?
Was it worth it, putting so much for people who could just walk away?
Did I even matter, in those people’s eyes?
Were they friends or ‘friends’?
Why bother for people who could have been just another stranger in my life?
I don’t know, and now, I don’t care.
The Happiness Meme actually made me think, if I could have been happy today, why was it so?
Was today that different compared to last week?
I finally concluded, yes, today was different with last week.
Last week I was focused on my self misery, self hatred, demanding to know why I was feeling how I was.
Today, because of the meme, I was actually counting my happy moments.
It doesn’t take much to make me happy, I realize, and it doesn’t take too much to make me sad too.
I’m sensitive to both emotions, I know, and I now know that because I kept thinking how I miss my friends, how I miss my old school life, I wasn’t paying attention to the many little happy moments I got.
I reflected, and it’s not as if today I had more happy moments.
It was the same as any other college day.
“As for college, everyone too face the same problems as everyone also goes to the same path.”
It got me thinking.
What's said was true, yet it wasn’t.
I looked around and realized that everyone in my class, those who’d come alone without friends or without people whom they know, they all feel awkward and keep to themselves.
Everyone is facing the same difficulty in fitting in, not only me.
But the sentence was wrong as well.
Those who are more outward are already bouncing around, finding someone else to be with in class.
I notice that the outward ones have actually, under some coincidence I suppose, made themselves friendly with the quieter ones.
And I, who keep flinging myself around with all the groups, don’t get the chance to know each of them properly and thoroughly, so I can’t fit in as well as they can.
Everyone faced the same problem, but they all chose different ways to walk it.
Looking back at one of my previous blog posts, I feel like a ignorant kid who’d got her first paper cut.
She screams and screams and screams that it hurts and there’s blood and it hurts so badly she thinks she know what pain is like.
She shows her finger with the tiny cut on it to the adults around her, and screams some more that it hurts, and there’s no pain that is greater than what she’s feeling.
The adults ignore her, and she screams louder.
The adults ignore her, and she breaks her toys and throws them about, not caring that she’s breaking the more expensive and precious things around her, and she screams louder still.
And finally when she gets tired of the adults ignoring her tantrums, she goes outside.
Outside, where when she opens her eyes, she sees that she’s not the only one with the ‘greatest pain ever’.
She sees sprains, dislocations, broken bones, burns, amputations, cancer and other pains which are so pure and so great they can never be put into words.
And now the kid realize, I realize, that if I can’t even withstand a tiny cut to my heart and feelings, how would I handle true despair if fate decides to bring it to me?
‘Sometimes we get too absorbed with our own pain, we forget that others feel it too’.
I confess that I have been frustrated with how I keep getting paper cuts while others remain uninjured, and how no one seems to notice what I was feeling.
But I think all of us have wounds, some tiny pricks, some deep, open gashes which bleeds and bleeds and doesn’t seem to ever stop bleeding.
And over those wounds, we bandage them by ourselves and wear thick layers of clothing which covers them all so that others wouldn’t see.
We know that we’re wounded, because we can feel them, but we don’t know whether others are wounded because they’ve hidden them under their clothing.
Similarly, they don’t know that we’re wounded because we’re hiding ours under our own clothing.
And I don’t need to be my old self.
Being whom I actually am matters, but being whom I’m comfortable being matters even more, because that’s how and why I’ve met some of the important people in my life, and enjoying life as it comes is important too.
I won’t deny that I’m ugly.
“When we get too focused on the imperfections around us, when we get too involved in trying to find them in others, we forget to look in the mirror, and when we do, we will be shocked to find how imperfect we actually are.”
But I’m beautiful too.
The people around me aren’t foolish, and they certainly wouldn’t treat me the way they would if I didn’t have a hint of beauty in me.
I finally know I’m needed, some way or another, so I’ll continue being there.
I have always been the type who’d contradict myself.
I can hate my brother so much, but I know that I love him for reasons other than the fact that we have the same parents.
I can complain on and on about him and his faults, but I know that if something were to happen to him, I’d still go in to help him as his sister.
I can try so hard to insist that I will not care anymore, but I admit that I can never do that, because it hurts to ignore.
The race is long and painful, but I can rest at the sides for a while sometimes.
もう ひとりぼっちじゃない
あなたがいるから…
Because what I’ve always wanted to tell the world is “you’re not alone”.
There.
I’ve poured my heart out.
I suppose I blog and I make it public because I know that the people who read it are people who actually care for me.
I won’t delete the previous posts even though I know that it’s just immature thoughts and emotions.
I want to remind myself when I read back that I have been that naïve, and that there actually had been people who care, and I am lucky and have not made the wrong choices when it comes to friends, especially those whom I love.
I’m looking at life positively.
I’m doing my best.
And it’s not easy, but life’s much better now.
I know that I’ll eventually fall back into depression, self loathing, feeling unconfident and doubting myself and everyone around.
But I now know that I have people who will smack me back on track.
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Which is true?
Which will you make it true?"
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